Preparing for my second birth, looking back to my first.

As I type this my feet are elevated and I'm watching my toes slowly getting smaller.

The dog days of pregnancy, that’s for sure.

As I come to the end of this special, difficult, wonderful, exhausting, and beautiful journey, I’m reminded of how much my life is going to change (again) as this amazing little babe comes into our world.

With my first baby, I thought I was so prepared. I read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, and interviewed friends and family members who were already mothers. I chose to do a homebirth and work with a midwife who would support and encourage me to have as simplistic a birth as possible. I had regular visits with my physical therapist, acupuncturist and chiropractor.

And then my blood pressure skyrocketed. And my labs diagnosed me with preeclampsia. Gone was my plan to deliver at home and in a matter of 24 hours we were sitting in the hospital starting a week long process of induction, birth and postpartum recovery before we could go home.

All I wanted was to get out of that darn hospital and go home. Once we were home, things would feel better, right?!

Only things didn’t feel better. I cried all the time. I felt like we’d made a terrible mistake. Here was this beautiful, healthy baby and yet I felt completely alone with this stranger. I missed my old life. I couldn’t believe I had gone into this willingly.

Hopefully this goes without saying but of course I felt better eventually and completely bonded with my son.

I look back at this time now and feel complete compassion and empathy for this new mother, this person going through a total transformation and life transition. I was still the same person yet I was changed forever. This journey taught me that I wasn’t in control anymore. Any semblance of control was completely destroyed.

The baby blues are common and happen often, but gosh they really don’t feel good. I’m curious to see how my hormones and emotions mix this time and if it will feel the same. My hope is that this 4th trimester is much easier (emotionally and mentally, at least) than my first. Even when we’re in the thick of it, I can tell myself, I know this gets better. I know this time doesn’t last forever.

I say this as my 4 year old rides his scooter around our living room as he’s making up elaborate game rules for him and my husband to play. Nope, they certainly aren’t newborns forever. Those days felt so long and unending but now somehow we have a full blown kid.

My expectations for this birth and postpartum transition are remarkably different. I’m not so tied to the way in which I give birth. I’m much more at peace with delivering in a hospital and I’m also fully prepared to advocate for myself and my baby. I know there’s a way to do both- I’ve done it before.

I know how to ask for help when we’re in the thick of it. We don’t need cute clothes or toys for our new baby. We need friends and family to stop by, look me in the eyes, ask how I’m doing while handing me warm food to eat.

And I also know that seeking therapy sooner is always a great option to process life as we move from a family of 3 to a family of 4.

So if you’re in this season of life or know someone who is, please be reassured that this transition can be quite difficult, but becoming a mother also becomes quite wonderful. Give yourself time to adjust, ask for help, get as much sleep and rest as possible, eat plenty of food and have compassion with yourself.