I’ve accepted my body… I think.

Most of the time I feel really at peace with my body. It’s much different than when I was younger, but it’s great all the same.

And then certain things happen that make me realize… I still have so much internalized weight stigma burned inside my brain.

A few months ago I renewed my driver's license. First time in 8 years.

I updated my weight to a much higher number because let’s get real, age 27 to 35 with two pregnancies, two postpartum recoveries and one million hours of breastfeeding later and my body is bigger.

(and never forget that you don't need an “excuse” for having a larger body- growing and changing and being in a bigger body is never a moral failing, regardless of how you got there!)

And that was really no big deal. 🥳 It’s just a number. 

And then a few days later I got my new driver's license in the mail and I saw my new picture. 

Wow. 

“That’s what I look like?” 😳

Has this ever happened to you?

You buy clothes (in a bigger size) that actually fit. You read all the books, diversify your social media feed and do everything you can to make peace with your ever changing body. 

And then you see a random photo of yourself and that all goes out the window. 🤦‍♀️

Here’s a few things I remind myself when I’m having one of these spells:

1: The desire to be the smallest version of ourselves is rooted in misogyny and white supremacy. (That's usually enough to stop the shame spiral in its tracks.) 

2: I deserve love, care, affection and pleasure at any size and as I age.

3: I don’t owe my husband, children, friends, family or clients any version of my body that isn’t the one I’m currently in.

4: Being thin with visible muscles was my identity for close to 30 years. That doesn’t go away in an instant (or even 5 years). It takes time to unlearn all this toxic messaging about bodies.